I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
