She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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