I just threw up on my dentist
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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