Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
not ubering you a puppy
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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