I think im going to throw up on grandma
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
