So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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