Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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