This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
