I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
