Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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