be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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