I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Hippo gnu deer
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
