You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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