I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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