Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
why do cheetos always look like penises
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize