I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
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