Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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