That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
