I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize