so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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