I think I won the penis lottery.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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