Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
