i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
