Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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