I wish my penis had an off switch
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
