I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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