Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
