in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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