Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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