I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
