I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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