You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
