I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Randomize
