JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
