Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
