oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
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