john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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