You smell like stripper and shame
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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