she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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