Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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