The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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