3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
