so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
