We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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