I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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