My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
