well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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