ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
