I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
