I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
