Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
So squirting runs in the family.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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