Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
