someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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