1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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