He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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