I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize